Whether your family just welcomed a baby, or your partner is about to give birth, it's safe to say that it's a really exciting time for everyone involved. Infants are snuggly and sweet, they have that classic new-baby scent and bringing home your first child is definitely a little surreal, in a good way!
But at the same time, it can be a hard and overwhelming time -- not knowing how to navigate the waters of new-parenthood, while asking yourself how you can be a better and more supportive spouse.
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As a relatively new mom myself, I get it. My husband and I jumped in the deep end, so to speak, when we welcomed our daughter. Not really being ābaby people,ā we had a lot to figure out. Although people have been raising children pretty much since the dawn of time -- and we were big believers in trial and error -- I still thought itād be interesting to ask around. I spoke with my husband and my new-mom friends to compile this list.
Here are 16 tips for first-time dads.
1.) We understand: You canāt nurse the baby, and thatās frustrating. Right when you bring your little bundle home from the hospital, your familyās new routine will involve a LOT of feedings and sleeping (even if the snoozes only come in two-hour increments at first). Your wife has to handle the nursing, if you opt to go that route, and thatās a huge job for her. So you can start doing everything ELSE -- diaper changes, spit-up duty, baths, bottles if those are in your rotation, etc. Make yourself useful in any way you can.
2.) Let your partner nap. "If you love someone, let them go," the old saying says. But once you become a parent, that turns into, "If you love someone, let them SLEEP." So, any time sheās able to, let her catch those Zzzs. Between the hormones, her recovery from the actual birth and the new responsibility of being a mom, she is TIRED.
3.) In case only one of you is the ānewā parent, or there are children from a previous marriage involved, keep those kids busy and happy. Make them feel loved and valued even when mom is busy tending to the infant. Same goes with pets! Your partner has enough on her hands. Make sure the dog is walked, fed and cared for.
4.) Keep the kitchen clean, make sure healthy snacks are stocked and stay on top of meals. If your wife is nursing, she needs fuel. Heck, even if she isn't nursing, she needs fuel! But keep her water bottle and stomach full either way. Itās easy to focus on baby-baby-baby all day, and then suddenly, itās 7 p.m. and your wife hasnāt eaten anything other than a handful of Cheetos. Not only could her milk supply take a hit, but sheās going to be seriously hangry, if thatās the case. Nursing makes your appetite go crazy in many cases. Be proactive for her when it comes to food! She will appreciate it.
5.) Help manage visitors. Keep up on your texts, along with her texts if sheād like, and let friends and family know when you guys are able to host company. Encourage hand-washing if people are going to hold the baby, politely know how to wrap up the visit after an hour or so, and donāt be afraid to say the word āno.ā Sometimes, itās just not a great day for visitors, and your loved ones will understand.
6.) Hang out with the baby. Even if you donāt know what youāre doing, just dive in. Read to him, rock her, make silly faces, or learn how to use your baby carrier or wrap, if you have one. Infants donāt need much at first. And they love the sound of your voice. Get chatting! Even if it's just about the NBA game from the night before, or you're narrating your evening.
7.) Keep yourself busy. Help clear the counters, keep the breast pump parts organized and washed (this was huge in our house), make the calls to your insurance company to ensure the baby is added to your plan, help your wife sort out her FMLA paperwork, offer to assist with doling out medications -- even if itās just the babyās Vitamin D drops or your wifeās prescriptions from the hospital.
8.) Talk to your partner about non-baby-related topics, because infants can be all-consuming at first. Sometimes itās hard to remember who you were before this tiny, screaming bundle entered your world. Where would she like to go on your first date, post-baby (even if thatāll be months from now?) Whatās her take on the latest political situation? Sometimes it feels good to discuss things other than the consistency of your kidās ā¦ latest mess. Iāll just say that.
9.) Read the baby books. Or at least, a baby book. āThe Happiest Baby on the Blockā by Harvey Karp will make your life with a newborn about a million times easier once you learn those five Sās, so do yourself a favor and start with that one. If you want to save some time (or cut corners, really), you can even look up the book on YouTube and see how the Sās are done, on video. You will impress your wife big time once you nail that tight swaddle.
10.) Text the families some baby pictures. Because theyāre definitely blowing up your wifeās phone, asking for more, more, more. Time for you to take on photo duty!
11.) Be prepared and willing to run any and all errands. Just say yes and then look up whatever your wife is requesting once youāre in the car. Some tips: Fenugreek is sold over the counter at most Walgreens/CVS-type drug stores. Ice cream is always appreciated. You can buy coconut oil at the grocery store (which cures a lot of weird-newborn-skin issues, like cradle cap). And Desitin is a miracle product. Youāre welcome!
12.) Have patience, and display patience, whenever possible. You both are running on a not-ideal amount of sleep, so give each other some grace.
13.) Donāt jump to solve the problem every time something little comes up. Yes, I realize thatās what guys do (at least, the men in my life). But when your partner has a question, or a concern, just hear her out first. Really listen. Tell her sheās doing a wonderful job and thereās no one else youād rather parent with, and then take it from there. (If itās a BIG issue, obviously call your doctor and problem-solve away. But if itās, āI wonder why the baby's not napping as well this afternoon,ā then take my advice).
14.) Actively offer to make her life easier. Donāt be one of those ālet me know if you need anythingā guys. Youāre the dad. Moms often feel a great responsibility to do EVERYTHING, even months or years after the baby is born. So, rather than wait for her cues, take it upon yourself to be all, āWhy donāt you take an hour for yourself -- maybe a hot shower and curl up with a book?ā (And then don't bug her while she's in there!) Or, āHow about a walk?ā You could even offer to join her for the stroll, if you have a relative in the area who wouldnāt mind hanging out with a napping baby for 45 minutes. Encourage her to get that "me" time.
15.) When you chip in and carry your load, donāt call it babysitting, or act like youāre doing your partner a favor. Raising a child is a shared responsibility. Youāre parenting. Remember, words become attitudes.
16.) Keep an open mind. Donāt put a timeline on her recovery, or expect her to snap back to her pre-baby priorities in six to eight weeks. Donāt remind her of things she said before the baby arrived -- āIāll be back in the gym in no time; Iāll never give the baby formula; Iād never let my baby be in the same room as a TV.ā Whatever she wants to do, within reason of course, SUPPORT her.
Good luck out there!